Who Not to Nail

Disclaimer:  Blah blah blah, I'm an God-hating infidel, blah blah blah, reading the following will ensure that your soul gets fast-tracked to hell at the split second of your death, blah blah blah, War on Christmas, blah blah blah.

Chapter 17 of Leviticus picks right up where the previous 16 left off -- with animal gore a-plenty.  Nothing new here, really, other than some stuff about partaking in blood.

To wit:  "Since the life of every living body is its blood, you shall not partake of the blood of any meat."

If you're like me, and enjoy a nice big slab of prime rib cooked medium rare once or twice a year, then I'm sure the above comes as a disappointment.

Now then, on to Chapter 18 -- which contains the bit about homosexuals that your fundies love to quote.  (They don't seem to get as worked up about people who eat shrimp, or women who don't burn their furniture after every visit from Aunt Flo.)

Chapter 18 gives us a nice big laundry list of who not to sleep with.  In total, it's dull.  I'll try to spice it up by substituting popular television sitcom characters to illustrate the relationships that are right out.

1. D.J. Connor may not sleep with Roseanne Connor.
2. Opie Taylor may not sleep with Helen Crump.
3. Alex P. Keaton may not sleep with Mallory Keaton.
4. Arnold Jackson may not sleep with Kimberly Drummond.
5. Peter Brady may not sleep with Jan Brady.
6. Cliff Huxtable may not sleep with Olivia Whatever Her Last Name Was.
7. Grandpa Munster may not sleep with Marilyn Munster. 
8. (Drawing a blank here -- "Daughter whom your father's wife bore to him."  And they don't mean sister -- I think we're talking half-sister here.)
9. D.J. Connor may not nail Jackie Connor.
10. Michael Barrone may not sleep with Amy Barrone.
11. Steve Douglas may not do the deed with Katie Douglas.
12. Herbert Simpson may not sleep with Marge Simpson.

That's it for our laundry list of no-relation relations.  But wait, there's more.  And I expect that many of you will be as disappointed by this next one as I am...

• You may not sleep with a woman and also her daughter.  Dammit, there goes my Judds fantasy, right out the window.
• If you're wife is still living, you shall not marry her sister.
• No sex while she's "unclean" from menstruation.  Yeah, right.
• Your neighbor's wife is right out. 
• No offering your children to be immolated to Molech.  (Look it up.)
• Carnal relations with an animal?  Neigh.
• And finally, the single most beloved line from Leviticus, and I shall recreate it here and let you draw your own conclusion (although I would suggest that you regard it within the context of everything else we've learned in Leviticus):  "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; such a thing is an abomination."

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Totally Unrelated Update:  Today marks the beginning of a new storyline in Mary Worth.  If you've been waiting to dive in, now's your chance.  Here's all you need to know -- Mary is a meddlesome old biddy who lives in a gated community called Charterstone.  The blonde chick is Toby Cameron, who also lives in the complex, and who probably has some sort of complex from being married to Ian Cameron, a neck-bearded English professor at the local community college who is seemingly about 40 years older than Toby.  And that's really all you need.

Comments

[Joe]

Did the second wife of Dick Van Pattan on Eight is Enough, played by Betty Buckley, have a baby girl? In that case you could say, for example, the brother/son played by Grant Goodeve could not lie with...that baby girl...if there was a baby girl.

Does Leviticus rule out Robbie, Chip or Ernie Douglas from laying with Dodie?

Yes. I guess it might, under the Peter and Jan Brady codicle.

[Bob]

Ugh, I had completely forgotten about the horror that was Dodie Douglas. I'll have to put her out of my mind by thinking more thoughts about Katie Douglas.

[Josh]

I haven't picked up today's comics section yet, but ... WHAT??? The Jane Handian Follies are OVER? We're not even going to see her and Salty Cal consummate? No Wilbur held whimpering at gunpoint for weeks by a scorned woman? I'm appalled. APPALLED! I'll be boycotting MW from now on!

Oh, who I am kidding ... you know I want to find out what sort of marital problems the Neckbeards are having.

jf

[Deadlytoque]

Yo hold up your theme, you could've said that Wilbur couldn't nail Mr. Ed, or something about Arnold from Green Acres.

It does seem odd that that ONE line is constantly drummed up as being just as profound today as it was thousands of years past despite having shed the baggage of all that other stuff.

[Deadlytoque]

That should say "To hold up your theme". I was not trying to sound like a classic-TV-watching, blog-reading gansta.

[Joe]

Katie Douglas. The ideal '60s woman to me. With the pointy hair, the clear lipstick. The triplets. That was a great era to be a growing boy. Catwoman, Emma Peel, Ginger AND Mary Ann. Jeanie/Genie. Samantha. Laura Petrie.

I sense a top ten list coming...

[Joe]

By the way...I just went in search of info on Katie and Dodie Douglas...

Katie was played by Tina Cole...who, I guess, got out of acting in the early '70s.

Dodie was played by Dawn Lyn...who shares my exact birthday!

[Bob]

Joe -- you and me both with the Katie Douglas. Rrrowr!

Looks like she didn't quit the biz entirely. Clicky

[Ol'Froth]

Are cat fights at slumber parties that devolve into lesbianism OK?

[Bob]

Ol' Froth -- I don't want to live in a country where that's not acceptable behavior.

[Brucker]

Maybe I'm missing something, but aren't 4 & 5 essentially the same?

Also, while I totally understand and agree that applying Lev. 18:22 to the modern world may present issues of hypocrasy when you take the whole of the O.T. context, I do tend to think that in the scale of this chapter alone, most people do have a tendency to believe in the moral basis for the items on this list. Having sex with animals is still considered to be wrong by a large portion of the population, as is having sex with your parents or other close relatives.

Whether a morality-based ban on homosexual relations is an outdated concept or not (and interestingly, there's a whole discussion one could have on why the Bible says nothing about lesbianism), in some ways the real modern difference between the act described in verse 22 and all the others is that there are people advocating the act in verse 22 be recognized as being equal moral moral footing with married heterosexual sex. People are asking, "Shouldn't we allow men to have sex with other men?" and it creates an uproar among conservatives. The only reason there's no uproar over the other issues here is that there is nobody asking "Shouldn't we allow men to have sex with animals?" or "Shouldn't we allow men to have sex with their daughters?" etc.

I think the fact is that, bigoted while it may be, the sentiment that going back into the closet will make the homosexuality "problem" disappear is true. But I don't think that anyone who really cares about modern civil rights wants that solution.

[Joe]

I think that 4 must mean your adopted black orphan from the ghetto must not get it on with your pure as the driven snow (snow meaning cocaine snorting) white daughter.

The operative phrase being adopted orphan, I assume.

5 is a step child by marriage, I assume. But then, I don't read Leviticus because I don't have to. Bob does.